Heartbreak Survival Guide
How to fix your cracked love pumpkin.
Stupid effin heartbreak. That BS cocktail of sorrow, anger, and eating an entire tub of ice cream while ugly-crying to sad love songs. Whether you’ve been ghosted, dumped, or found out your crush is dating someone else (who owns a yacht, naturally), heartbreak feels like your chest got dropkicked by emotions. However you choose to deal with them, remember, feelings are like water...they will find a way out. So before you board up that door to your heart and vow to be celibate forever because people suck, let me walk you through a couple of ways to work through the hurt. So take a deep breath, my friend. You're not alone, and you will survive this. In fact, one day you'll look back and laugh about how you sent 12 consecutive texts ending with "okay, but seriously, one more thing." Until then, here’s your funny yet foolproof guide to mending your poor, broken heart. (PS: if this doesn't work, I think the local nunnery is recruiting).
Step 1: Give Yourself Permission to Wallow (But Not Forever)
First things first: embrace the feels. Cry. Yell. Write their name on a piece of paper and toss it dramatically into a candle like you’re in a bad teen drama.
- Why wallowing works: It’s cathartic, like emotional spring cleaning. Plus, suppressing your feelings only makes them come out later in weird ways, like yelling at your toaster.
- But here’s the catch: Set a time limit. Give yourself a few days to indulge in the sadness, then it’s time to pack up the pity party and move on.
Bonus Tip: Choose your soundtrack wisely. Beyoncé will empower you; Adele will reduce you to a puddle of tears. Use with caution.
Step 2: Block, Delete, and Detox
Listen carefully: do not stalk them online. I repeat, step away from their Instagram.
- Why? Because scrolling through their happy beach selfies while you’re in sweatpants covered in Dorito dust is not productive.
- What to do instead: Block, mute, or delete. This isn’t about being petty—it’s about preserving your sanity. Out of sight, out of mind (eventually).
If you must keep tabs on them, hand your phone to a responsible friend who can yell, “NO!” every time you reach for it.
Step 3: Recruit Your Support Squad
Your friends are your emotional EMTs right now. Call them. Text them. Demand that they come over with snacks and a pep talk.
- Pro Tip: Designate specific roles. One friend can be your Listener (nodding sympathetically as you dissect every detail of the breakup). Another can be your Distractor (dragging you to trivia night or a goat yoga class). And one should be the Enforcer, preventing you from sending that “miss you” text at 1 a.m.
Friends not available? That’s what sitcoms are for. Watching Friends or Parks and Recreation is like getting a warm hug without the awkwardness of real human contact.
Step 4: Make a Breakup Bingo Card
Turn your misery into a game. Create a bingo card of classic post-breakup activities:
- Eat ice cream straight from the tub.
- Drunkenly text your ex.
- Listen to a breakup anthem on repeat (Looking at you, Taylor Swift).
- Get a new haircut you’ll regret in two weeks.
- Declare, “I’m fine!” while clearly not being fine.
Every time you check something off, reward yourself with chocolate or another episode of that trashy reality show you love.
Whether you’ve been ghosted, dumped, or found out your crush is dating someone else (who owns a yacht, naturally), heartbreak feels like your chest got dropkicked by emotions. However you choose to deal with them, remember, feelings are like water...they will find a way out.
Step 5: Sweat It Out (Literally)
No, I’m not saying you need to turn into a gym rat overnight. But physical activity does wonders for your mood, even if it’s just angrily vacuuming the living room while muttering about how much better you deserved.
- Level 1: Start small. Take a walk while blasting Lizzo. Imagine you’re the star of your own music video, flipping your hair and strutting like you just won the breakup.
- Level 2: Try something new. Kickboxing? Perfect for punching out your frustration. Dance class? Yes, please.
Not feeling sporty? That’s fine. Laughing at exercise fails on YouTube counts as cardio, right?
Step 6: Unleash Your Inner Creative Genius
Channel your heartbreak into something productive. History’s greatest art, music, and poetry were inspired by breakups. (Looking at you, Shakespeare.)
- Ideas to get started:
- Write an angsty poem. Bonus points for dramatic metaphors involving storms, fire, or shattered glass.
- Try painting—even if your masterpiece looks like a kindergarten finger-painting.
- Journal. Start with, “Dear Diary, my heart feels like a squished tomato…”
Remember, this isn’t about being good at art. It’s about giving those feelings a creative outlet. Who knows? You might accidentally make something awesome.
Step 7: Glow-Up for You
Now’s the time for some shameless self-love. Get a haircut. Try that bold lipstick shade. Splurge on a cozy sweater that makes you feel like a snuggly goddess.
- Why this helps: It’s not about revenge or making your ex jealous. It’s about rediscovering your confidence and remembering how freaking awesome you are.
And while we’re at it, write a list of all the things that make you amazing. (Yes, being able to eat an entire pizza in one sitting counts.)
Step 8: Build Your Post-Breakup Bucket List
Heartbreak is the perfect excuse to reinvent yourself. Instead of focusing on what you lost, focus on what you can gain.
- Start small:
- Visit that café you’ve been curious about.
- Finally read the book gathering dust on your nightstand.
- Learn to juggle. (Why not?)
- Dream big:
- Plan a solo trip somewhere fabulous.
- Take up a hobby you’ve always wanted to try. Pottery? Archery? Stand-up comedy?
- Apply for that job you secretly want but felt too scared to go for.
Every new experience is like a Band-Aid for your broken heart. The more you do, the more you realize there’s so much to life beyond your ex.
Step 9: Laugh. A Lot.
You know what’s the ultimate heartbreak remedy? Laughter. Find joy in the ridiculousness of life.
- Watch stand-up comedy or funny movies. (Bridesmaids is a classic for a reason.)
- Revisit embarrassing moments from your relationship and laugh at them. (“Remember when they thought quinoa was a type of fish?”)
- Spend time with that friend who always has you crying with laughter.
Because here’s the truth: heartbreak may feel like the end of the world, but it’s also kind of absurd when you think about it. You’re crying over someone who didn’t appreciate how amazing you are. That’s funny in a tragic-rom-com kind of way.
Step 10: Remember, This Too Shall Pass
As cliché as it sounds, time really does heal all wounds. Heartbreak is temporary. One day, you’ll wake up and realize you didn’t think about them at all. Then, a week later, you’ll see their name pop up somewhere and feel nothing but a faint, “Oh, them.”
Until that day comes, be patient with yourself. Keep laughing, crying, and eating ice cream straight from the tub. Because you’re not just surviving heartbreak—you’re thriving in spite of it.
Now go out there and slay, my heartbroken warrior. You’ve got this. 
So until next time, remember: be kind to yourself and those around you!
