The Secret to Being Confident
(Spoiler alert: it's not what you think!)
Ahhh wouldn't it be great if I could just hand you the cheat code to confidence? If it was that easy I would, believe me! Usually the path people follow is to build up gradual experience that gives you the confidence to continue. But how are you supposed to feel confident about anything when there’s no successful experiences to back you up? Honestly, how are you supposed to walk into your new job and feel like a boss when you have no idea what you’re doing? Or go to a party full of strangers and charm the room when you’re convinced no one really likes you? Or be a calm, cool, and collected partner when your relationship history looks like a bloopers reel from a bad romantic comedy? It’s like confidence is reserved for an exclusive group where only the lucky ones get an invite. The rest of us? We’re stuck circling outside in our metaphorical sweatpants, trying not to look like total disasters. If you’re nodding along right now, welcome to the Confidence Conundrum—where it feels like the confident just keep winning, and the rest of us are destined to stay in Loserville forever. Ugh. But what if I told you that everything you think you know about confidence is totally wrong? Grab a coffee (or a glass of something—no judgment here, girl), and let’s break it down.
Confidence Isn’t What You Think It Is
Here’s the thing about confidence: it’s not about what you have. Seriously, the connection between having “stuff” and feeling confident is mostly a myth. Take a closer look at people who seem to have it all—like the perfect job, flawless skin, or an Instagram-worthy relationship. Spoiler alert: a lot of them are still riddled with self-doubt.
The truth? Confidence has nothing to do with what’s in your bank account, your wardrobe, or even your love life. It’s not about your external reality; it’s about how you perceive yourself.
Let’s get real: you could have the perfect beach body and still feel like you need to hide under an oversized hoodie. On the flip side, someone rocking their mom jeans and a messy bun might exude Beyoncé-level energy just because she feels like a queen.
So, the first myth to bust: Confidence isn’t about what you’ve got—it’s about what you think you’ve got.
Why “Fake It Till You Make It” Doesn’t Work
Okay, this one is going to hurt because we’ve all grown up using this technique. But, if confidence isn’t tied to stuff, maybe you just need to pretend you’re confident until it magically becomes true. Right? Wrong. This whole “fake it till you make it” advice sounds great in theory, but let’s be real—it can feel like slapping a Band-Aid on a broken arm.
Pretending you’re confident when you’re not doesn’t fix the underlying issue. In fact, it often backfires. That’s how you end up in front of a mirror, awkwardly practising power poses and pep-talking yourself like a bad motivational poster. (“You’re a girl boss! You’ve got this! Rawr!”)
Sure, those tricks might give you a temporary boost, but they’re not enough to carry you through the hard stuff. And let’s face it, life is full of hard stuff.
The Real Confidence Hack: Embrace the Awkward
Here’s the real secret to confidence: it’s not about pretending you’re perfect. It’s about being comfortable with the fact that you’re not.
Read that again while I take a sip of my cocoa.
The real secret to confidence: it’s not about pretending you’re perfect. It’s about being comfortable with the fact that you’re not.
The truly confident women of the world? They’re not confident because they’ve got it all figured out. They’re confident because they’re okay with the fact that they don’t.
It sounds counterintuitive, but think about it. The people who seem magnetic and self-assured aren’t afraid to mess up. They’re the ones who can laugh at themselves when they trip on the sidewalk or accidentally reply-all on an email. They’re the ones who can handle rejection because they’re not hinging their self-worth on someone else’s opinion.
The key to confidence isn’t avoiding failure or embarrassment; it’s embracing it.
Confidence at Work: Own the Learning Curve
Let’s talk about work for a second, because who hasn’t felt like a total fraud at some point in their career? Whether it’s a new job, a big presentation, or just trying to survive a Zoom call without accidentally muting yourself, work can feel like one big confidence test.
Here’s the trick: confident people aren’t scared of screwing up at work because they don’t see failure as a reflection of who they are. Instead, they see it as part of the process. Didn’t nail that presentation? No biggie—it’s a chance to learn. Messed up an email? Who hasn’t?
Instead of striving to be flawless, aim to be curious. When you accept that mistakes are normal (and even necessary), you can stop obsessing over them and start learning from them.
Confidence in Relationships: Risking the Feels
Eek, relationships. Whether you’re dating, married, or somewhere in between, nothing messes with your confidence quite like romance. Why? Because being in a relationship means being vulnerable—and that’s scary as all get out.
But here’s something to keep in mind: confident people don’t avoid vulnerability. They lean into it. They’re willing to risk getting hurt because they know they can handle it. They set boundaries. They communicate their needs. And when things don’t work out, they don’t spiral into self-doubt—they see it as a sign that the relationship wasn’t the right fit.
So, if you’re waiting for confidence to magically appear before you put yourself out there, stop waiting. Confidence doesn’t come from never getting hurt—it comes from knowing you’ll survive if you do.
Confidence in Social Situations: The Art of Not Caring
If you’ve ever walked into a party and immediately wanted to crawl under the nearest table, you’re not alone. Social anxiety is the worst. But confident people don’t spend all night worrying about whether they’re funny enough or cool enough. Why? Because they’re not trying to impress anyone. They’re just being themselves.
The next time you’re in a social situation, try this: instead of focusing on what people think of you, focus on being curious about them. Ask questions. Listen. Show up as your authentic self, even if you’re a little awkward. The more you practise being real, the less you’ll care about whether people like you—and paradoxically, the more they probably will.
Building Confidence Through Failure
Here’s the big takeaway: the path to confidence isn’t about avoiding failure. It’s about making peace with it. When you stop seeing mistakes as evidence that you’re not good enough, they lose their power over you.
Think about it: what would you do if you weren’t afraid of failing? Would you finally start that coffee shop / bookstore you’ve been dreaming about? Would you ask out that cute guy you see on the train every morning? Would you rock that bold lipstick shade that’s been sitting in your drawer for months?
Whatever it is, do it. Embrace the awkward. Take the risk. And when you inevitably stumble, remember: confidence isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being okay with the fact that you’re not—and knowing you’ll keep going anyway.
So, here’s to you, girl. Go out there, make mistakes, and own them like the bad*ss you are. And if all else fails, remember: there’s no problem a good slice of pizza and a glass of wine can’t fix. Cheers to your confidence glow-up! And as you head off on this path, remember to be kind to yourself and those around you!
